PARADIGM SHIFT

OR A TREATISE ON POST-CAPITALIST POST-IRONIC SHIFT KEY SINCERITY

IT’S NOT LIKE THE NO-CAPS THING DIDN’T CROSS MY MIND. IT DID. IN FACT, THERE WAS A BRIEF BUT NO LESS MEANINGFUL SPELL WHERE I CONSIDERED — NAY, FANTASIZED — ABOUT WRITING THIS WHOLE SCREED AND ACTUALLY NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT WHOLE NEWSLETTER SANS THE RITUALISTIC GYMNASTICS MY PINKY ROUTINELY NEED EXECUTE TO HIT THE SHIFT KEY.

WHY, YOU ASK? PROBABLY BECAUSE THE FIRST ZOOMER TO EVER DELIBERATELY IGNORE STANDARD ENGLISH LANGUAGE GUIDELINES AND RULES FOR CAPITALIZATION MAY HAVE BEEN TOUCHED BY A KIND OF SUBLIME INDIFFERENCE. EITHER THAT OR HOPEFULLY SOME APOCRYPHAL STORY OF ARTHRITIC AILMENT WHICH IN PRACTICALITY PREVENTED SAID GEN Z PROPHET QUA CULTURE SETTER FROM MAKING THE LONG ARDUOUS STRETCH TO THE SHIFT KEY. NOT THAT I WOULD WISH THAT UPON SOMEONE PURELY FOR “THE GREATER GOOD” OR SOME OTHER EUPHEMISTIC STAND-IN FOR THE CARICATURE OF TORTURED ARTIST QUA SCAPEGOAT FOR HUMANITY’S AESTHETIC AND CULTURAL ENRICHMENT. THAT WOULD BE UNFASHIONABLY UTILITARIAN OF ME, WHICH, YOU MIGHT NOTE, IS PRETTY MUCH THE OPPOSITE OF COOL.

SO WE’RE AT AN IMPASSE, NO? I MEAN IF YOU INTENTIONALLY TYPE IN ALL LOWERCASE YOU RISK COMING OFF AS TRYING TOO HARD TO BE COOL. AND SO WHEN I GOT TO THINKING ABOUT IT LIKE THAT I REALIZED THAT IT WOULD’VE HAD TO HAVE BEEN A NON-CONSIDERATION — WRITING IN ALL LOWERCASE, THAT IS — HAD I GONE THROUGH WITH ACTUALLY WRITING IN ALL LOWERCASE. BUT THEN I REALIZED FURTHER THAT BY CONTEMPLATING PRETENDING TO ONLY INCIDENTALLY WRITE IN ALL LOWERCASE I WOULD RISK COMING OFF AS FAUX-IRONIC.

SAID ANOTHER WAY: IT’S ACTUALLY A SELF-INDULGENT SINCERITY MASQUERADING AS REBELLION. OR MAYBE IT’S A DIFFERENT ANIMAL ALTOGETHER. MAYBE, AND THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE IT, IT’S ABOUT MEANING WHAT YOU SAY AND SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN WITHOUT THE VEIL OF IRONIC DETACHMENT. A LACK OF IRONY IN A POST-IRONIC WORLD CAN BE QUITE RADICAL, YOU KNOW. MAYBE THAT’S WHAT I WAS GOING FOR ALL ALONG.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE STRUCTURAL (READ: AESTHETIC) ETHOS I’VE ADOPTED FOR THIS ESSAY AND PERHAPS FURTHER ESSAYS PENDING MY NOW MILDLY ACHY PINKY WHICH, WHILE PROBABLY NOT MAKING A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE NOW, WILL, I PROMISE, IN SHORT ORDER.

ETHOS: EVERYTHING MUST BE TYPED IN ALL-CAPS USING ONLY THE SHIFT KEY.

YES THAT MEANS IN PRACTICALITY AN AESTHETICS BUILT PURELY UPON THE LABOR OF THE PINKY ON SHIFT KEY. THE VERY ACT OF COMMITTING TO THIS, OF COURSE, GENERATES A KIND OF FATIGUE WHICH AT FIRST AND STILL NOW SEEMS BEARABLE IF NOT ONLY MILDLY IRRITATING.

SO THEN HERE’S THE STAKE IN THE GROUND: ALL-CAPS, ALL THE TIME. IT’S LESS A PARADIGM SHIFT AS THE TITLE OF THIS ESSAY SUGGESTS AND MORE OF A PERPETUAL SHIFT; THE FORM IS DICTATED BY THE RULE THAT EVERY LETTER MUST BE MANUALLY CAPITALIZED BY FIRST STRETCHING THAT LITTLEST OF FINGERS TO THE SHIFT KEY AND HOLDING IT DOWN. AH, THE BURNS-SO-GOOD FEELING WELLING UP IN YOUR PINKY, OSCILLATING BETWEEN ART AND DISCOMFORT. ENFORCED SINCERITY VIA PAINFUL PARSIMONY.

NO DOUBT NOW YOU PROBABLY HAVE SOME EMPATHY OR AT LEAST COGNITIVE UNDERSTANDING OF MY OWN PINKY ACHE FROM HOLDING DOWN THE SHIFT KEY FOR THIS ESSAY WHICH HAS, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, EVOLVED FROM A LOW-LEVEL BURN LIKE A ROUTINE STRETCH TO SUCH A POINT WHERE THE CALCULATION OF MARGINAL MEANING OF THE NEXT WORD TO MARGINAL COST OF DISCOMFORT NO LONGER CLEARS EQUILIBRIUM.